Haha! I can’t believe this blog is still out there! Amazing!
After many people in my support community have commented on the fact that I never post any more, I’ve decided it’s time to tell the ugly truth. This post (like many from my past) will contain raw emotions that need to be said for my therapeutic well-being… nothing in here is meant to hurt or offend anyone in any way.
As many of you know, I consider part of my life’s work to help people; to build them up and inspire them to find the answers they’re looking for in life. Therefore, when I lead people to things that I find end up being emotionally harmful, I struggle to forgive myself… big time! I know I’ve said things in the past in an effort to help, that have ended up coming across the wrong way, but the instance that kind of shut me up for a long time happened in 2017.
In 2017 I joined a program to help me lose weight. I had been saving money up for surgery because I was desperately looking for a way out from under my 150+ lbs of excess weight, and this (very expensive) program was a last ditch attempt before turning to surgery. Upon joining this program, I immediately felt a sense of inclusion, a new family if you will. I connected with some incredible people and found people that really inspired me. From the get-go, I had a problem with the way the person in charge was talking to certain people. It was sold as tough love, but my sensitive soul really felt for these people. While I felt for these people, I was doing really well on the program and lost 100 lbs in 7 months, and didn’t think I’d ever be truly affected by the hurtful things being said. After all, I was confident and really truly didn’t have any fear of the person in charge, which was their top “motivating” power.
Because of my success on this program, I ended up drawing in more than 50 people to join… people who trusted me, people who were inspired by my progress, and people who were incredible supporters and friends. I was so excited for them to find the same success I’d had, and to have more friends helping me to navigate this “new way of life”. It was super exciting… until it wasn’t.
Guess what? I plateaued after losing 100 lbs…still 40 lbs above the goal weight that had been set for me. While I felt amazing in what I had accomplished, I quickly learned that I “was not allowed” to be happy in my successes because I was still “one of the big girls”. I started messing up because heaven forbid, I was hungry after being decreased to 850 calories a day. I started being called out as a disgrace to the program, a person she had thought was “one of the good ones”. There I was, all of a sudden feeling as though I had not accomplished anything at all, feeling like a failure, feeling like I had let down my new family and friends who had joined the program… feeling like an outsider. All the things I had mentally tried to fight my whole life. Now, I had new emotions added on: paranoia (extreme paranoia) and guilt. I would literally be looking over my shoulder every time I was in a grocery store or restaurant because I would be buying things for my family that were not allowed on the program, or because I didn’t bring my stupid little food scale to weigh out my vegetables and dressing at the salad bar. But worse than all was the guilt! The guilt that I had introduced more than 50 people to a program that built itself on “tough love”, aka verbal abuse. How could I rectify that?! I wanted to warn my friends, but felt like I was just the sore loser who couldn’t cut it. They, after all, were having success and were experiencing the same feelings of belonging that I once had felt. How could I introduce them and then turn around and tell them it was a bad idea? Was it only a bad idea because I was a failure?
Shortly after quitting (8 months in) I decided I needed therapy. My therapist tried to tell me how abusive that relationship was, but in my heart I didn’t want to believe it. In the meantime, one of the people from the program I had looked up to the most had become a coach and I finally got to meet her in person (after quickly putting 50 lbs back on). She was and still is wonderful. Truly cared about people and wanted them to succeed for them. I decided that I would rejoin on her team knowing that the verbal abuse wouldn’t be part of her repertoire. That’s when I realized how much I had allowed the previous abusive phrases to become a part of me. She was lovingly trying to help me through it, but I had grown to believe that I was a failure, that I didn’t have what it took.
I had to quit… again. Confirming to myself that I was a quitter, a failure. After continuing with therapy and trying to work through these emotions, I was horrified at the thought that I could have led people to experience these same emotions. Again, I felt I couldn’t reach out because they were experiencing success and I didn’t want to rain on their parade. I had now put most of my weight back on and had previous phrases (from other programs) haunt me; “Why would you ever listen to a fat person for advice on how to lose weight?” Why should anyone listen to me? I am a failure… These lame phrases repeating themselves over and over in my head.
So, there I was afraid to share experiences, afraid that I might lead someone down the same dark path I was on… and I quit posting. I withdrew.
After withdrawing, COVID hit and it was easier than ever to stay in my little cocoon, and I enjoyed it for a while. I enjoyed baking and eating as much as I wanted, not having to face anybody… but I couldn’t hide from my health. I was now diabetic, had high cholesterol, and had some big scares in my family with health-related concerns. Scares that hit home big time. I HAD to gain control of my health for my family and for myself. But how? Mentally, I had no more fight to put myself through the depravation of feeling hungry all the time.
So, after much hesitation, I decided to go to Mexico and get a gastric sleeve surgery. My hesitation came mainly from outside influences that seemed to think it was a cop-out… that somehow I was giving up and looking for a “magic pill.” But guess what? It’s none of those things. It’s a tool. A tool to help people who are wired differently, who don’t have a “full button”. You see, before surgery I never understood what feeling satisfied was. I was either starving or ready to puke… and let me tell you, it took A LOT of calories to get me to that puking point. So that’s how I lived. I was either starving and losing weight, or trying to feel like I wasn’t starving and gaining weight. There was no balance.
November 16th, 2020 was my surgery date, so I’m only a few weeks shy of hitting my year mark. It has been rewarding, it has been a learning curve, and it has been hard... but I am super glad I did it! I feel more like a normal person now. I understand now what it feels like to be full and leave food on your plate. I still have cravings and can still overeat, but the surgery has made balance more do-able. I haven’t shared much about it because of the afore-mentioned reasons, but also because I’m scared. I’m scared that I can still fail, scared that I put my life at risk and a bunch of money on the line to just to turn around and fail again.
I’m down 109 lbs since surgery, about 4 lbs below the weight I got down to in 2017. I’m stuck here…again. But this time I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished. I’m reminding myself that my body might just need a little time to adjust before I can move ahead. I’m telling myself that I can be this weight and be happy because I’m no longer diabetic and I no longer have high cholesterol. I’m happy to no longer feel starved for air because my body is sitting so heavily on my lungs. I’m happy that I’ve maybe added a few more years onto my life to be here for my family. I’m happy that I can exercise again and not feel like death afterwards. I’m happy that I made a good decision for me and that I have supportive family and friends who are continuing to help me on my path.
With all that being said, I want to apologize to any friends who have followed in my footsteps and who are experiencing any emotional pain because of that decision. Know that I am always here and that I support you in the decisions you make for yourself. I’m not a professional, but I do have a good listening ear. Love you all! Thank you for reading my novel 😉.
